Mini Gender Changer
cw: second-person ("you"), assumes reader is transfem
you aren't looking for anything in particular at the hamfest and you just wander, hoping something will catch your eye while you wait for the friends who convinced you to come today to get here
you spot an old calculator nestled amidst a pile of cables with connectors you don't recognize and pick it up to take a closer look at it
its power button makes a satisfying click as you turn it on and the screen comes to life with a zero at the right edge
you key in 222222 and hesitate for a moment as you try to remember how calculators like this behave before hitting enter and entering 333333 and x
74073925926 comes up on the screen and you ask the seller how much they want for it, satisfied that the screen works
they look at the calculator and reply "how does $20 sound?"
"sounds good to me" you say, reaching for your wallet, too awkward to haggle
"you should have this too" they say, pressing a small object with a yellow stripe into your hand
weirdos at hamfests love handing out extra bits to get rid of them, so you don’t think much about it and put it in your pocket next to your wallet
as you walk away in search of more deals on what some might call ewaste, you think you hear someone say something and look back, but the person who sold you the calculator is no longer there
the parking spot they were in might as well have vanished and there's no sign that there was ever anything between the cars that were on either side of it
you don't take a good look at what you were handed until you get home
it's a pair of old trapezoidal serial connectors back to back with pins on one side and holes on the other
beside each trapezoid are a pair of nuts to screw into other connectors
between them is a yellow band marked with the text "MINI GENDER CHANGER"
one of your trans friends would make a joke about the name "gender changer", but the joke wouldn't hit right coming from a cis boy like you
you're not trans; you'd know already if you were, and you wouldn't make a good woman even if you were trans
you turn it over in your hand and wonder why you were given it and what it has to do with the calculator you bought and set it on your desk to put away later
you plan to toss it in with the rest of your random connectors and converters the next time you get up, but as it sits on your desk, you start fidgeting with it
you mostly spin it by the screws, but sometimes you run your fingers along the smooth yellow band and the trapezoidal connector shells and sometimes flick your fingernail along the pins
with all its textures and screws, it really works well as a stim and helps you calm down and focus in a way nothing else ever has, so of course it gains a permanent place in your pocket
some time after you start carrying the gender changer, you cut yourself while shaving, something that hasn't really happened since you first started shaving years ago
you get mad at yourself; you haven’t cut yourself like that in years
as you go to examine the cut, you run your fingers over your face and trace the curve of your chin and notice that maybe your skin is somehow softer than it used to be
you don't pay it much mind; maybe it's just the shaving cream making your skin softer
while showering one morning, you run a bar of soap along your chest and feel some tenderness, the feeling of the touch lingering for a moment
you don’t really think about it; you probably just went too fast in your hurry to done in the shower and hit yourself by accident or something
the next morning, you feel the tenderness in your chest again and you hold your hand there for a minute
something about it feels good, but it feels wrong in a way that you can’t exactly place
a friend says something funny and you start laughing so hard you cry, something you've never done before
the tears run down your face as you keep laughing
"dude, are you okay?" he asks, and something about being called "dude" stings, even though you’ve long since resigned yourself to being a dude
you are okay, though, and feel great despite the tears and the unfamiliar sting of the word “dude”
one day after carrying around the mini gender changer for months, you look at yourself in the mirror and, for a moment, see a face that could maybe, just maybe, be a woman's
you've been dreaming of being a woman for as long as you can remember, but you've always interrupted yourself, trying to convince yourself that you're going to grow up to be a man and that this is just misplaced attraction for women or something
in this moment of recognition in the mirror, though, it hits you: the mini gender changer you've been carrying around is slowly changing your gender and that's what you want more than anything
crying, you turn the gender changer over in your hands over and over wanting the changes to come faster
you squeeze it so hard that the pins leave marks on your hand and your hopes are answered
over an hour or so, you are transformed into the woman you'd always dreamed of being.
your face rounds out, your hips assert themselves, the tenderness in your chest grows into breasts, and dozens of other things change within you
when you look in the mirror, you cry tears of joy
the face and body you gaze at are unmistakably feminine, but also undeniably you
you’d never been one for looking in the mirror much before, but now you stare at the woman smiling back at you as you run your hands along your curves
for the first time, you recognize the face in the mirror as truly yourself, not a body you’d begrudgingly accepted
when another hamfest rolls around, you look at the pile of abandoned projects in the corner of your living room and feel the urge to clean up and maybe even reclaim that dusty corner
you pack some of the projects up to sell, hoping that someone else will have a better use for them than you
as you do every morning before you head out, you instinctively place the mini gender changer in your pocket as you head out the door
you stand by your blanket piled with radios and ewaste, but nobody seems to take an interest, most just walking by with barely a glance
finally, one awkward person in a hoodie comes up and mumbles something while looking through your things
they pick up one of your lineman’s sets and turn it over in their hands
"twenty dollars" you say as they look at it, and they quickly fumble to hand you the money without saying anything
as they turn to walk away, you suddenly feel a familiar urge and tell them "wait, take this"
almost without thinking, you reach in your pocket and hand them the mini gender changer, which they take with a look of confusion
you watch them as they walk away, running your finger along the faint pin marks you still have on your hand
something in the way they move tells you that they need it just as much as you did.
FIN.
thank you to Tris and Allison for coming up with the ideas behind this story
thank you to Jeff for helping a lot with editing (why are you this good at trans riffing?!)